You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
