i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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