I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
