There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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