okay pat passed out under dana's car
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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