i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
