she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
