My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
