and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
