Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
