dude i'm inner monologue high
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
