My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
