just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
