dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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