I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As shirtless as possible
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
