saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
