"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
