I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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