girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We're too hungover to prance.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
