Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
