morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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