he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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