okay pat passed out under dana's car
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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