I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
