hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
