NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Randomize
