i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
