morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
