Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
