Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
