I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she told me i tasted like america
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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