Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
