I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
