I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
