when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
