do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
