some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
