When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
