paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
