i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
