Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
