i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
