his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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