Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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