Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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