i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
