I just pynch a tree in the face
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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