She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
