Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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