i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
someone owes me an orgasm
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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