At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
